Some days, being 69 years old feels surreal, ancient and cruel. It meets me as I open my eyes, the low back ache, lingering fatigue that doesn’t clear after coffee, and the return of a cough that first arrived a month ago. My ego fools me into thinking I have infinite energy, a bulletproof immune system, and agility for multitasking. I never had those things; however, in my insane, driven days, I believed and behaved as though I was invincible. Now I’m learning how to be human – often in the form of surrender as my mind and body take the lead – with a push from the universe.
Today was to be full and busy. An early morning workout, a Zoom meeting right after, take the dog to the vet, and an afternoon client session. The coloured boxes on my calendar were important and permanent. Not for the first time in my life, the universe took over and saved me from myself. Feeling lethargic, congested and attacked by a dry and violent cough, I sipped my coffee and pondered my schedule. The sage elder that I am cultivating suggested I cancel the class at the gym, which I did. Instead, I did a gentle online yoga session.
Wobbly-legged I headed into the kitchen to make a green smoothie. The nutrition and antioxidants of a blender full of vegetables, fresh ginger and protein powder convinced me the rest of the day was manageable.
Or so I wanted to believe. Only a few gulps into my rejuvenation elixir, I received a text that my morning engagement needed to be rescheduled. The news was a relief. Now I could take it easy before heading to the vet and a full afternoon. While practicing how to quietly clear the hideous gunk that accumulates in my throat and swallow through a potential coughing spell, I received an email from my afternoon client, also requesting a reschedule. No need to master mitigating and hiding the symptoms of my malady. The conscience and forces that watch out for me, gave me a day to rest and attend to my health needs.
I’ve learned to pay attention rather than attempt to stymie the existential messages that guide me to a quieter and slower pace. It used to be that I could thwart them through tenacious revenge, persevering beyond what was physically and mentally healthy. Until I couldn’t and succumbed to periodic and spectacular crashes.
My transition to retirement has been gradual and circuitous. Several years ago, I made a pledge to myself to be less busy, have a moderated client roster, and pay attention and honour what I need. Detoxing from decades of busyness requires vigilance, mindful priority setting, and the courage to be rather than do.
When discussing the process of leaving work, everyone agrees they are looking forward to stepping out of the “rat race.” In the next breath, most admit they are pondering what to do to keep busy. I see and feel the irony and conflict in those two statements. The imperative to find purpose, be productive, and live forever lives is hardwired into most of us.
What if you could install a software update that supported and rewarded time in your calendar for self-care and unscheduled whims, included appointments for reading in the middle of the day and doing spontaneous things with friends, “booking” an hour to explore what you would like to be doing if purpose and productivity didn’t matter?
Would you do it ~ challenge the discomfort?
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” – Sophia Loren