Four years ago, I received a plain brown envelope with a milky window in the lower left corner. I took it out of the mailbox and laid it on the counter. In earlier years, I would stash these ominous sleeves away for months on end. Nothing good arrived in the mail from the government. I circled the menacing rectangle for several days until it had acquired an olive oil stain and a ring of dried pasta sauce.
Congratulations on your upcoming 65th birthday. You are now eligible to receive Old Age Security Benefits.
F*k off.
We were in year 2 of the pandemic. I was doing my best to keep my mind alive and my body moving in our shut down world – reeling at the thought of turning 65. I kept looking in the mirror, seeing my mother staring back at me, and wondering how my mind and spirit could survive this chronological assault. My body was shifting, sagging and wrinkling into a stage of life for which I was unprepared.
Would I live my remaining years within the taunt of “is that all there is?” I decided in that moment to battle the winds of complacency, routine and status quo. I had been bold and fearless through much of life – I wasn’t going to now slide into a state of retirement and aging by subscribing to the decelerating grey brigade.
My resolution was plagued with a foreboding sense of sadness and dread around this milestone. My daylight determination wavered and often faded as the sun set. I needed to challenge my deeper fears about aging to be free to live an intrepid and expansive existence.
I began with a commitment to change my pattern of filling days and time with activities, busyness and projects that automatically occupied my mind and body. On a chairlift ride several years ago a friend confided that she was contemplating working with a therapist, sharing that she was moved by the quote from Plato’s Apology – “The unexamined life is not worth living” uttered by Socrates. I wondered.
Could I rework turning 65 into a permit and passage to self discovery? I would begin an inner excavation and examination of my past with courage and curiosity. I would share weekly blogs on my personal discoveries with whoever cared to read them. I would contract from pastimes and people that didn’t align with my values, my sense of joy, and who I wanted to be. I would expand into interests, service and relationships that supported my growth and nourished my whole self.
My insatiable need to feel worthy and empowered had spurred me to success in my professional life. It had also fueled a full family life and energy to keep active and busy 24/7. Building power and material wealth were important to me. Measuring myself, my home, and my possessions against others was how I evaluated my own worth. I imagined that it brought me happiness and security.
In my mid 40’s when my frayed and fragile mind and body turned on me, I knew I had to muster a level of gumption and honesty to change my life. Boldly I handed in my resignation and exited from a 16-year career. It has been a circuitous and bumpy pilgrimage from that cold and grey day in
February as I rode the elevator down 68 floors to begin life at ground level.
While that was not the first marker of my intrepid nature, it was the beginning of my journey inward, my search for honesty and connection, and my desire to relinquish my ego, labels and fears.
Now, 24 years later, I am stretching to enrich my life and that of my community. Past lessons, daily reflections, and my constant seeking nature are my guides to intrepid living.
Join me on the odyssey ~