Today has the characteristic sharp contrasts of colour that define autumn. The clouds are a watercolour of shades of grey with brush strokes of red and orange above the tapestry of green and gold squares that line the valley. It looks like a cozy sweater day – it’s not. The vestiges of summer temperatures and humidity are just enough to perplex anyone heading outside. I’m wearing a sweatshirt – a testament to the date, rather than the weather.
The other evening, we spent time with friends, catching up on our lives as we nibbled on cheese and crackers and sipped drinks. Our friendship is deep and broad. We have shared holidays, homes, and family events. It is a precious reminder of the gifts of time and history.
After catching up on our adult children’s lives, health news, and some attention-grabbing headlines, we ventured into podcasts that have impacted us in some manner. We are fans of the social sciences and behavioural and mental health experts.
Our friend drew our attention to a particular episode that caused him to pause and ponder. It was about a recent study of Ivy League university students who were asked to describe their emotional state. A stunning percentage reported they were experiencing stress. This group of privileged, bright, and promising young adults was feeling at odds with their circumstances. We’ve been told that anxiety and depression are epidemic in this age group. On the surface, this answer seems to be an affirmation.
Upon further questioning, an attempt to get to the root of the anxiety, a different adjective emerged. It was envy. The elite cohort of classmates admitted to chronically comparing their looks, financial status, material possessions, marks and social status with the other students in their cohort. The process of calculating and measuring was a habit so ingrained that they were unaware of the toll it was taking on their mental health, until they were asked. The reality of their perceived “less thans” gnawed at them and created envy.
Social media has enabled individuals to showcase themselves and the abundance in their lives. The posts are evaluated and tallied. This is a free ride to narcissism, a gut-wrench to the scrollers, and a call to war for the competitive. So conditioned are we that during in-person gatherings, we are calibrating our social and emotional rating as we inconspicuously examine the room.
I’m not on social media, nor ever have been, yet I catch myself in assessment mode. Too often. It’s soul sucking. More importantly, it separates me from you. I am a connector – feeling attached is essential to my emotional, physical and mental well-being.
The inner work necessary to access compassion, find joy, stay true to myself, and cease the evaluation and ranking will require most of the rest of my life. I can’t unsee it now that I know it is there. It’s a characteristic and habit I wish to shed.
Several years ago, in a recovery meeting, a sweet woman whose wisdom and sense of humour I deeply appreciate shared that her biggest character flaw was envy. Gazing at her short dark hair, unable to see her eyes through the reflection of her metal-framed lenses, I felt shocked and confused. Now, years later, I understand and appreciate her self-awareness and honesty. I wish I could ask her what has worked to overcome the green cast of covetousness.